2022

Some might think this is not the case but I find it extremely hard to leave people. Also, it is extremely hard for me to deal with the fact that someone who was important is not going to be a part of my life anymore. It is one part of my life I can never be ready for. And the funny thing is this often happens to me – sometimes by my choice and at times someone else chooses it for me. And I end up telling myself that it is okay – and I know it never is.

I remember my maternal grandfather passed when I was eight or maybe nine and I saw my mom crying. She became this distant woman who was just sad and I couldn’t fathom her being sad. I thought he was just gone and might be back. I did not realize it was a permanent thing. Death to a nine-year didn’t make a lot of sense. I did not understand the process and the consequences of it. It was after some time I realized how permanent this was. I know too extreme of me to talk about this thing and to bring an episode from my childhood but I can never forget about the whole thing. It plays in my mind over and over again – the whole thing – the day – people crying – everyone sad.

Anyway, before proceeding let me tell you this is a personal rant. A feeble attempt at quietening the incredibly loud noises in my head. You can be busy all day with whatever work you have and you can use the noise of this world to your advantage but what happens when you face the night.
Along with it darkness and a noiseless world? You have nothing to turn to – it’ll be ironic to think social media can help. You’ll have to face whatever you were avoiding in the first place.

I’ve often found myself going for long walks to tackle these not-so-nice episodes. I think they help but at the moment I am doubting the efficacy of it. I want to point out the futility of the entire thing but I fail to find another outlet. These walks become necessary because I can be on my own, I can argue, fight and use logic to make things better. I can shout, cry, laugh, smile and do so much more. And I blame and doubt the effectiveness because I don’t see myself getting better.

So, the whole thing about separation haunts me. It makes me feel powerless and it makes me want to throw everything and give it one more try and one more try and then again one more try. Sadly, you cannot do this and you’ll just be left to feel – how I wish things could be better or things would change or they would simply work. Why can’t they simply work?

Sometimes it is just that the timing is wrong. You are pretty much cornered and there is barely anything that can be done. You have to make a choice – a hard choice. But you know what all of this does? It hardens you and it starts changing you as a person. Your perspective shifts and you grow into a different person and you cannot stop this change.

I don’t know what is right or wrong and I don’t want any answers right now. I know life goes on and that we don’t know what’s in store for us. One can hope for the good. Right? That’s what I’ll do. I’ll sit tight and focus on steering my ship in the right direction until it gets where it is supposed to get.

I’ll end it before I start asking where is it supposed to get?

On a separate note – yes, I am alive and I’ve been thinking of writing something but haven’t been really successful. Here’s to me making another promise of writing more.